Farmers' Almanac

A friend forwarded an email about Canadian border security that is now making the rounds. I've bolded the phrase that piqued my interest most:

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

After surrendering to the impulse to ask whether "Canadian borders" are tastier than Roma tomatoes or more profitable than soybeans, and enjoying the similarity between this story and the one on a blog called "BlameBush" last month about a hippie leading a post-election caravan of "artisans, actors, poets, musicians, bong craftsmen and other rebels" over America's northern border, it occurred to me that farmers who actually work the land have it easy, in spite of the hours they keep.

My "job" is harder for at least three reasons:

• Agricultural subsidies are easier to come by than the MacArthur Foundation "genius" grants that paragraph farmers sometimes apply for.
• Weather is a more predictable adversary than the Los Angeles Times.
• Pesticides work more effectively than grammar classes, if headline writers at Reuters and people like Mary Frances Berry of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights represent the state of the art in well-compensated writing talent.

Berry, a professor of history known chiefly for doctrinaire obstructionism and the reverse Midas touch she brought to Pacifica Radio, worked with law professor and "La Raza" alumnus Cruz Reynoso to draft a 166-page report critical of George W. Bush.

Between them, they created a mixed and illogical metaphor more fearsome to paragraph farmers than any genetically-modified organism:

"Sadly, the spiraling demise of hope for social justice and healing has deepened over the past four years, largely due to a departure from and marginalization of long-established civil rights priorities, practices and laws."

"Spiraling demise?" "Deepening demise?" Ye gods. Marginalize this departure, will you please?

In spite of their postgraduate educations, neither Berry nor Reynoso knows how to choose a metaphor and stick with it. Chastising the president, they write:

You are watermarking the annals of history – stamping your imprimatur on the accomplishments of your tenure and etching your legacy.

Watermarking, stamping, and etching, oh my.

Maybe the Scarecrow paid for his trip to Emerald City using profits from ghostwriting jobs for policy wonks. Sadly, taxpayer dollars subsidize both this awful prose and the report that it pimps for. As chairperson of the Civil Rights Commission, Berry is entitled to per diem reimbursement for up to 125 days a year.